This Teen Therapist in Colchester, CT Says Not To Rescue
Rescuing Your Teen from Their Problems Won’t Save Them
Why Intellectualizing Your Teen’s Woes Won’t Bring You Closer
Your teen is having a hard time. And you’re lucky because they’re bringing their problems to you. But your advice isn’t working! You keep trying to tell them what to do. Your solutions are so simple. But your teen won’t listen! You give them option A. They won’t budge on it. You present option B. They give you reasons as to why that won’t work.
You’re getting frustrated. How are you supposed to help your teen through these lows?
What is intellectualizing?
Ready for a record scratch moment? Solving your teen’s problems doesn’t actually…solve their problems. When we spend a big chunk of our time problem-solving another person’s emotional concerns, we do something called “intellectualizing.” Intellectualizing is a defense or protective mechanism that occurs when we disconnect from another person’s emotional vulnerability by staying fixed in logic and reason. Many times this is used to protect from feeling the weight of the person’s emotions, and it can result in minimizing or invalidating the other person’s experience.
Who are you really protecting?
Here’s the thing about intellectualizing: you think you’re helping. I mean, a logical solution is awesome and helpful. But it actually disconnects you from the intensity and vulnerability of another person’s emotional experience. And when it comes to your teen, you are also disconnecting from their emotional needs.
You may be feeling really overwhelmed and stressed and not have the space to sit with your teen. But when you take a step back, what does intellectualizing also do? It protects. At first glance, it protects your teen right? You’re solving their problems and fixing everything, right? Wrong. You’re actually protecting you. Those are scary and worrisome feelings that your teen is bringing up. As long as you stay rooted in your logical problem-solving, you don’t have to get uncomfortable.
Why you both lose
When you hold back from your own discomfort in an effort to stick with intellectualizing, you offer some great solutions. But over time, your message becomes, “feelings are scary. We don’t mess with those. We avoid those.” It’s not always what you say to your teen. It’s how you model for them what to do. When you show them feelings are uncomfortable to touch, they may learn “oh. I can’t handle that. I am just going to lock it away somewhere.” And eventually, it comes out as one enormous, overwhelming explosion.
What works instead?
Emotionally-focused and authentic support is the key to connection, not just with your teen but also with yourself. Rather than dipping out of sitting in your teen’s experience, you want to be the anchor. You want to be the parent/caregiver who is saying, “I am safe and firm and I can handle what you’re bringing to me.” Because when you show your teen you can hold and help them move with and through their feelings, you are showing them it’s not scary and that the two of you can do it together.
How do you start to practice being the anchor?
Pause. When your teen brings up a worry or issue, pause. Our urge to intellectualize is usually centered in urgency. The urgent rush to protect, react, and fix. Instead of rushing in. Tell yourself to wait 5 seconds before you react. In these 5 seconds, what do you notice?
Reflect. Just as if you were staring back in a mirror, reflect back to your teen the emotions that you heard them say/imply. This is important because it tells both your teen and you that you heard what they said and you are really listening. When you do this, turn your body towards your teen. Make sure your body language shows that your focus is totally on them.
Connect. Do an activity together that you both enjoy. Rather than focusing on a solution, focus on enjoyment and meaningful time together. This can look as simple as playing a game/video game, watching a TV show, giving your teen a hug. Focus on the time together, regardless of how small and simple it may look.
Remember you’re not perfect. And that’s okay! In fact, it’s great. Not only do you not need a flawless solution every time, but you also don’t have to be this put-together parent all the time either. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes too.
Get Started with Online Teen Counseling for Anxiety at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy in 4 Simple Steps:
Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation phone call
Fill out the pre-consult form
Consult with Alice Zic, your teen’s new caring therapist
Begin your teen’s journey towards healing and becoming their confident, capable self
Online Teen Counseling in Connecticut for Anxious, “Old Soul” Teens
Your teen puts so much pressure on themself to succeed, to excel. But at home, they’re overwhelmed and stuck. It makes you feel stuck and helpless too. Rather than adding another appointment that you have to fit in between a myriad of other activities and drive to through traffic, why not make life simpler with online teen counseling in Connecticut? My virtual practice is located in Colchester, CT and I see teen clients online throughout Connecticut. All you and your teen need is a private space, wifi, and a device! No hassle at all. If you are ready to get started with online teen counseling in Connecticut, learn more below:
Online Teen Counseling in Virginia for Overachieving, Anxious Teens
Your teen is caught up in the race of Virginia’s high expectations and the pressure is on. They feel overwhelmed. It feels like they can never do enough. Be enough. Watching them struggle is heartbreaking. It’s time to get them the support they need to boost their confidence and get them back to feeling capable. I offer online teen counseling in Virginia, throughout Virginia. Why go through the tumultuous traffic when you can keep counseling simple? All you and your teen need is a private space, wifi, and a device to meet. Easy! Ready to get started with online teen counseling in Virginia? Learn more below: