Do I Wish My Narcissistic Mom a Happy Mother’s Day?

Navigating Confusion, Turmoil, and Fear as an Adult Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother from a Trauma Therapist in Colchester, CT

Mother’s Day is supposed to be fun, but it fills you with dread

As the day looms closer, you aren’t sitting there thinking about the wonderful conversation you and your mom will have or the lovely day you’ll have together. Instead, your anxiety is growing bigger and bigger as you wonder what should you do?

You are afraid of taking a misstep, of doing the wrong thing. You are constantly walking on eggshells around her. How do you handle this holiday when the two of you have so much baggage together?

You grew up with someone who the world told you was your idol, but all you saw was a tormentor

She was supposed to reflect you, nurture you, tell you how incredible you are. That’s what society, TV, movies, and romanticized Mother’s Day ads told you.

Instead, she was grandiose to the world—to the outside she was a hero, magnificent, an image to behold. To you, she was your biggest critic, either incessantly shaming you or ignoring you. You were always on edge, never knowing which version of your mother you were getting. Your stomach was in knots, and if you didn’t give her what she needed, you were wrong. You were bad.

You feel total isolation. When you try to open up about your narcissistic mom, everyone tells you to “just be grateful”

They say “she’s your mother after all! You should show her appreciation today!” They reiterate how she provided for you. And off you go into a shame spiral again that feels awfully similar to those from childhood.

But here’s the thing. You may have been given basic needs, but your emotional and internal world were neglected. Part of a parent’s/caregiver’s job is to help us navigate emotional ups and downs, learn how to deal with tough moments, become capable, and become independent adults. When you grow up with a narcissistic mother, you grow up with someone who, because of her own pain and past, is stuck in emotional immaturity.

Your mother could not tolerate big, intense feelings or the idea that she could ever be wrong, so she put all of that onto you. And the moment you disagreed with her, if at all, is the moment you became the villain.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother does not teach you to tune in to your basic needs and feelings—it teaches you to be hyperaware of the needs and feelings of your mother, and eventually others, in order to survive. As long as you are on her good side, you are keeping the peace. If you step out of line, there is trouble, you are bad, and chaos erupts.

Communicating with your narcissistic mother now means letting go of the fallout

Like any other type of communication with your mom, wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day feels like a lose-lose situation: she’s mad if you don’t say anything, she feels it’s not good enough when you do say something.

Did you catch the emphasis there? It’s all about her and what she wants and what she feels is right. Unlike you, she seems unable to engage in perspective-taking, where she can see and empathize with your point of view in your relationship.

Communicating with her now means re-focusing the priority on you

1. Identify what is important to you, not what someone else wants.

2. Recognize that she will probably be upset however you celebrate Mother’s Day with her, respond to her, or don’t respond to her. Except now, you are an adult with more power to navigate the situation. You are going to be okay.

3. You can both love your mom and be very angry with or hurt by her. All these things can be true, even though growing up with her made it seem like things were only black and white.

4. Decide on a plan and stick to it. How do you want to spend or not spend the day with her? How do you want to chat with her or not want to chat with her?

5. Throughout the entire Mother’s Day weekend, plan self-care activities to soothe yourself. You are going to be uncomfortable. What is going to help you feel more together and like yourself? Think about ways to be engaged in either activities that help you feel good in your body or relationships that help you feel uplifted and supported.

6. This will build a foundation for future self-care around uncomfortable moments. Healing these moments is healing a younger you that was unseen. You deserve it. You needed it then. You continue to need it now.

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