A Trauma Therapist’s 5 Tips for Reparenting Yourself in Falls Church, VA
Navigating this world without a role model feels confusing and lonely. This especially feels true if you experienced childhood trauma and grew up with emotionally immature parents. As an adult, you may step back and wonder, “how does everyone else have it so together?”
Your grief is allowed to be there. And through your grief, one of the most healing gifts you can provide to yourself is that of reparenting: or of providing to you the skills, kindness, and self-love that you needed in your early years.
What is Reparenting?
Reparenting is an important and essential part of healing in childhood trauma therapy and recovery. During childhood, if you felt powerless and your needs were unmet and undervalued, reparenting offers you the opportunity to take back your power.
Why Does Reparenting Matter When Healing Childhood Trauma?
In reparenting, you, as the capable, choice-making adult, get to use your capacities to witness and honor the needs and safety that the younger and past versions of you did not have access to. You create that very safety, nurture, and wisdom now. In short: you become your own internal parent and compass, enabling yourself to tune into your internal knowledge and instincts. So what are some steps you can take to reparent yourself? As a trauma therapist in Falls Church, VA, I will share five tips for reparenting and healing.
Read more for 5 tips!
Tip #1: Make a Mess, Be Loud, Take Up Space
Chances are, you were supposed to be small and contained during childhood. Maybe being loud and messy and speaking up for yourself made everyone else “too uncomfortable,” so you learned to shrink yourself down and be the version of you that everyone else was okay with. What if you allowed yourself, really gave yourself permission, to do all those fun, silly things that you wanted to do? Laugh as LOUD as you want to, run around and make noise, blast your music, be messy with your things or your hobbies—what would that be like for your inner child? It may be fun to make a list of goofy, silly, fun, and playful activities that you wanted to do in childhood but never got the chance to do. These can include art, sports, playing games with friends, or even exploring certain books or hobbies that you never got around to. What would it be like to lean into that now and how would that feel to let a little more play into your world?
Tip #2: Practice Soothing Yourself
If you imagine a younger you, did they experience or receive soothing and comfort? As an adult now, do you keep pushing yourself until you get burnt out? One way to reparent is to find ways to introduce soothing and self-soothing. This can include placing breaks into your schedule for things like: taking a deep breath, stretching your body, and unclenching your jaw. Simply the act of noticing you are going above the boundaries of what is comfortable for you is an act of self-love and self-preservation.
Soothing Yourself: Strategies through Anchoring and Grounding
Self-soothing goes beyond “quick calm-down techniques.” Think of soothing as meeting a need: when you are experiencing an emotion, you have a need, and in order to move through the emotion, to process it, you want to address that emotion and meet the need. Emotions are typically accompanied by specific sensations: sometimes color, texture, temperature, sound, taste, smell, or points of tension in your body (as a few examples). It can be helpful to practice observing what you notice occurs for you in terms of sensations when you are experiencing various emotions. For example, you may be someone who gets hot and tense when you are angry, but cold and limp when you are sad. To meet the needs in these states, you may want to find a way to release the tension in your body (even by movement) and then cool down temperature-wise when angry. When sad, you may want to bring energy into your body through gentle stretches/movement, or even warm back up.
Here are some possible techniques to incorporate for anchoring/grounding that can facilitate self-soothing:
Listening to music
Cooling off with a fan
Warming up with a blanket
Dancing or swaying
Humming or singing
Prayer
Meditation
Doodling or drawing
Writing
Smelling or noticing essential oils or candles
Watching a movie
Walking, hiking, biking in nature
Gardening
Cooking or baking
Stretching
Petting and/or playing with animals or pets
Watching a beloved movie
Tip #3: Let Go of Productivity
Staying productive is not just the result of living in a productive, capitalist society, it is also a survival skill and one that only serves you for so long. Think back to when you were younger: were you expected to be “on” all the time? Were you punished for “relaxing” or for looking as if you were “relaxing?” Did you assume a parent or caregiving role early in life, meaning that you felt the pressure to be productive and self-reliant early on? Did you feel pressure to excel in school and to succeed for yourself or to support your family’s success? As you are thinking through these questions, what are you noticing right now? Oftentimes, the pressure to remain productive can come with a great deal of anxiety, and that anxiety can feel urgent and difficult to interrupt.
How Can You Begin To Interrupt Nonstop Productivity?
Rather than jumping from task to task and chore to chore, see if you can pause. Remember when I used the word urgent before? A lot of times, the next productive task feels like it has to happen RIGHT NOW or that anxiety, guilt, or even shame looms over you. What happens if you pause, and take a few deep breaths. What do you notice? The thing is, when you keep going and going and going, eventually, you reach a point of burnout. You may get everything done, but in the process of being productive, you likely are slowly disconnecting from yourself, your body, and your needs. The purpose of introducing a pause in between each productive thing you do is to bring more slowness, mindfulness, and observation into your day. In short, you are reconnecting to your body and what YOU need.
As you introduce those pauses, you can begin extending them by breaking up your tasks with genuine activities that bring you delight. To turn to inspiration for joy and delight, reflect on what would have excited you in childhood, or what allows you to slow down now. Did you want to play outside more? Maybe consider some outside time, or time spent in nature. Did you want to play an instrument? Maybe listen to music or try learning an instrument now. Did you love art but never got to explore it? Try it now and see what happens! Welcome some stillness into your world, little by little.
Tip #4: Lean into Forgiveness Over Perfection
Forgiveness is the ultimate gift for a wounded inner child. Internal shame and criticism show up a lot when you make mistakes and when you “did not know any better.” This internal punitive dialogue stems from how a parent or caregiver spoke to us in childhood—over time, we internalize it and it becomes a part of us. Learning to forgive yourself becomes a gift because it releases shame and criticism. It allows you to view mistakes as learning opportunities rather than expectations you have to anticipate with impossibly high standards. It also allows you to forgive past versions of you for what you may not have known and lean into what you can learn now.
When you make a mistake now, practice noticing what voice shows up first in your head: is it that critical, shaming voice? Whose voice is it? Identifying where it comes from can support you in tackling it today. As an adult, this voice no longer has power over you. You can generate some empowering reminders to tell yourself when these moments come up, in a sense, to “talk back” to this critical voice.
Some examples may include:
I am just learning, and no one has it all figured out
I’m not a scared little kid anymore
You are from another part of my life. You are trying to scare me. But I’ve got this
I will be okay, even if I don’t have it all together
I am proud of the person I am, skills and flaws all combined
Tip #5: Say No When You Need to. And Also Say Yes When You Want to.
Saying no to the things that no longer serve you and saying yes to the things that you have been too scared to try are both ways of preserving yourself while also continuing to grow. (They are also ways of setting boundaries—and yes, boundaries are not only for saying no!)
When you have been in survival mode, you can feel stuck, and motivating yourself to grow and shift can feel terrifying. When do you find yourself feeling obligated to say yes to something, or to avoid saying no? When do you notice yourself ignoring your internal cues and wishes and giving into what would make others happy? This form of people-pleasing, while originally protective, may in the long-term be creating resentment.
As a way to reparent yourself now, you can find ways to begin listening to your internal signals—and what you actually need and want. This way of setting boundaries is a form of empowerment that you can practice now as an adult. Outside of these interactions, reflect on when and what makes you override your needs. Once you begin identifying these moments and signals, start practicing listening to what you need and want, and give yourself this reparenting gift. At Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, we’re here to help you navigate your healing.
Get Started In Reparenting Therapy at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy in Falls Church, VA
Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Trauma Therapist & Owner of Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC
Reparenting yourself means learning to give the care, compassion, and validation you may not have received growing up. With the guidance of a trauma therapist in Falls Church, VA, you can begin rewriting old patterns, creating healthier boundaries, and building a more nurturing relationship with yourself. At Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, we’re here to walk with you every step of the way.
Here’s how to begin:
Click the button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation phone call.
Complete the pre-consult form.
Consult with Alice Zic, Trauma & Reparenting Therapist.
Begin your journey toward healing with childhood trauma therapy.
Online Therapy in Colchester, CT
Therapy to Reparent Yourself
Ready to reparent yourself, but feeling overwhelmed with where to begin? Let’s simplify the process with online therapy. My virtual practice is located in Colchester, CT, and I offer online therapy throughout Connecticut. All you need is a private space and a device for our sessions. So simple! Learn more about getting started with online therapy in Connecticut below:
Online Therapy in Falls Church, VA
Reparent Yourself with Online Therapy
You’re ready to heal and to reparent childhood wounds, but you’re not sure where to begin with all the logistics of another appointment! My virtual practice offers online therapy throughout Virginia. All you need is a private space, wifi, and your device, and we are good to go. Easy! Learn more about getting started with online therapy in Virginia below:
Learn More About Alice Zic, Trauma Therapist in Falls Church, VA
Alice Zic is a licensed trauma therapist who offers online therapy throughout Connecticut and Virginia. She works with adults who have histories of childhood trauma and mother wounds. Alice supports clients in reparenting and healing the unmet needs of their inner child selves. She uses a relational approach rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS), joining with clients to build safety and witness and welcome all parts of them. To work with Alice, book a consult call below: