Therapist in Colchester, CT on Reparenting as a Parent
You always envisioned a better life. That’s what parents are supposed to do…right? You wanted to offer something better to your own children than what you had. But when the time came, suddenly, all of these surprisingly intense feelings burst forth. You were grieving, sad, and angry.
It’s been hard to be as patient with them as you wanted. To be the romanticized image of the parent you had hoped for. You don’t even want to admit it. It’s too shameful. Underneath your adult, perfectionistic mask is an inner child whose needs were not met. You were supposed to have it figured out.
Parenting is hard work—beautiful—and hard work. And now you are awakening to reparenting yourself as well.
What are the challenges you are noticing and how can you navigate both your internal child and the little ones before you?
I Worry Everyone is Mad at Me and Tips to Calm the Fear
It happens all the time. The moment another person’s face shifts, they become silent, they turn away, you can’t help it. You get that unpleasant feeling. You’re so nervous. What if? What if they are angry? What if you did something wrong? What if you finally became too much for them? And if you don’t address it right here, right now? Well that’s just not an option. You have got to make sure it’s all okay or your discomfort skyrockets.
So when that feeling, that pressure, that people pleasing anxiety comes on, what do you do? How can you tend to yourself?
Strategies to Help When Your Teen is Shutting Down
Something has shifted. Your successful, curious teen is hiding and shrinking. They feel less confident, less capable. And when you try to approach them about it? You get nothing.
So what do you do?
Moments like this tend to test the confidence in your parenting. Suddenly, there is pressure to fix what is going on with your child because you feel like you are losing control. And if you lose control, there is a whole list of scary things that jump into your mind about what could happen next.
What Makes People-Pleasing a Sign of Parentification?
Parentification is a role reversal in which the child accelerates into adulthood and becomes the parent, assuming adult responsibilities and parenting their parents/caretakers.
Maybe you think, “So what?”
On the one hand, you may say, well everyone has to contribute in the household and your parents/caregivers were struggling.
On the other hand, your childhood was…sacrificed. During your youngest years of play, delight, when all you asked for was someone to focus unconditionally on you…you spent that time turning everything around, focusing on everyone else. Operating out of stress. Out of obligation.
So what are some signals that you were parentified?
How Does Internal Family Systems Therapy Help You Heal?
IFS (Internal Family Systems)-based trauma therapy offers an approach that goes a little deeper than “just talking.” But what does that actually mean? It’s kind of like looking at you as a story with several tangled characters: your characters have had to relate to each other in a certain, intricate way to make the incredible story you are today. But how does it unfold?
Every part of you is welcome, exactly as you are.
In the real world, you’re successful, perfect, taking care of everyone else, on top of the world. In secret, you’re having meltdowns. You want to scream and cry. You feel intolerable. You don’t want anyone else to see your anger and sadness.
In Between Cultures and Lonely
For adult daughters of immigrants, part of what gives rise to feeling “too much” or “not enough” comes from the messages received from growing up in a culture outside of our heritage cultures.
Being in a new culture may have been born out of both hope and sacrifice. Your families were focused on survival, safety, finding a better life, and through these journeys, community, cultural, and family togetherness may have been fragmented.