Tired of Always Holding It Together? Trauma Therapy in Falls Church, VA for the Hyper-Independent Adult
Simply put, you’re just burnt out. You are always on the go, but if you are not on the go, you also don’t feel right. You feel like you have to stay productive, to stay on, to constantly be figuring out things for everyone around you.
As far as you can remember, it has always been this way. In your family, you are the fixer. At work, you are the indispensable person who, if you leave, things will fall apart. Some days, you feel numb to and overwhelmed by it all. You’re struggling with hyper-independence. And you’ve been here for a long time.
In this blog, we’ll learn more about these unique challenges and how trauma therapy for hyper-independence can help.
What is Hyper-Independence?
Hyper-independence is a survival tactic that emerges from a childhood where you had to emotionally and/or practically rely on yourself more often than not. In adulthood, it can manifest as struggling to ask for help, to show vulnerability, and to reach out for support. Why? This hesitancy is often due to fear, stress, and perceived shame and criticism.
What Causes Hyper-Independence?
Hyper-independence doesn’t magically appear out of nowhere in adulthood. It manifests as a survival and coping strategy from trying to manage unmet needs in childhood. You may be thinking, “But I always had a roof over my head and food on my table,” or “my parents always took care of my needs!” And those things can be true too. It’s not always so clear-cut, so black and white. Let’s look a little deeper at how you may have learned to function and needed to function, and how it’s affecting you now:
You Were Always Anticipating Reactions
You learned very quickly and early on that you had to watch out for the reactions of the adults around you. They didn’t act consistently. They could be unpredictable. One moment, they could be happy, but at other times, they would get angry with you, snap at you, and it was scary. You learned to watch so carefully that you would only bring things up to them at the right time, in the right tone, in the right way. That level of hyper-vigilance probably meant that you often turned inward and learned it’s just best to keep things to yourself. The world felt unsafe and unpredictable.
Having Your Own Reactions Was Basically Not Allowed
If you had to watch out for how everyone else reacted, then there was also no way that you were allowed to have genuine, authentic, big feelings. It made everyone around you uncomfortable or irritated, and you learned to shut it down or only show your feelings in isolation. As an adult, you may feel super disconnected from your feelings, or even struggle to name them. You might be someone who can’t talk to friends or partners about your feelings when disagreements or conflicts occur—you need a lot of alone time to process. This likely comes from old and learned strategies. Rather than inviting expression of feelings during childhood, you were disconnected, shut down, and learned to self-isolate.
Asking for help was terrifying
Between the unpredictability of everyone around you and learning to shut down, well, it didn’t follow to ask for help. Asking for help made you “weak” and “vulnerable” so you had to look put together and like you knew what you were doing at all times. If you needed help or made mistakes while growing up, it invited shame and criticism.
If asking for help was hard, receiving it was on a whole other level
You are a highly motivated person, so at a certain point, you may have tried asking for help, but then you encountered a whole new roadblock. Receiving help. Actually accepting the help and receiving the help filled you with guilt and discomfort. You felt ashamed throughout the experience as all these big, intolerable feelings washed over you. What was going on? Shouldn’t it have been simple? The problem was to ask for help, and you figured out the solution…you are the family fixer, and you fixed it, right?
You Took on the Role of the “Family Fixer”
You may not be allowed to react, share your feelings, or get help, but you sure are expected to solve everyone’s problems. You may want to do some of these things and feel it is important, especially as your parents age. However, you may also be someone who feels a constant sense of pressure and obligation associated with this role. It is not coming from genuine desire and connection, but from something you feel you have to do because you have learned that if you don’t help…there can be angry reactions towards you and consequences.
The Hyper-Independent Gal’s Paradox: I ask for help, I get a little better, I leave, and things get worse
Well then, why in hell would I keep going to therapy? Believe it or not, I am not here to fix you. (Yes, I heard your very audible gasp even as I am writing this).
Good Trauma Therapy Values Your Protectors
You are guarded for a very good reason, but you aren’t always so kind to yourself about it.
Vulnerability was not an option while growing up. Instead, you were always watching very carefully for how everyone else reacted around you, waiting for the perfect time to bring something up (if you ever did). As a kid, you were relied on as the fixer, the problem-solver. And that was a heavy burden to bear at times, but it also made you feel downright special at other times. When you were the family fixer, you were finally special and seen. Even if no one told you they were proud of you. That you were successful, smart, amazing. And that got lonely.
Trauma Therapy Will Witness And Rewire Old Patterns in Relationships
Therapy is a relationship, like many other relationships, which means that similar patterns will play themselves out. You will want to seek it out for closeness, but if that closeness or challenge comes a little too fast or before you’re fully ready, you will dip out.
What is this replaying exactly?
What happened when you needed help from adults? What happened if you made a mistake? What happened if you said the wrong thing, made the wrong move? If you did something that landed on the bad side of your adult caregivers, their reactions were catastrophic. Now, you have probably got many defenses for that. You just don’t make mistakes now, do you? But honestly, underneath your tough exterior are some very tender parts that deserve to be turned towards.
Healing from Hyper-Independence Won’t Involve Fixing. It Will Require Feeling.
Therapy, especially with a trauma history, can feel scary and overwhelming because what if you revisit the past and it tears you down again? You got away from it, and it’s behind you, so why go back?
Trauma therapy for hyper-independence is not about reviewing old memories. It is actually about creating new pathways in your body and nervous system for managing that pain. Here is how it works:
Building your window of tolerance
In childhood trauma therapy, we build something called your window of tolerance. Everyone has a window of tolerance, which is a range in which you remain connected to yourself as you navigate the world. It does not mean you are just calm. It means that you can experience other emotions while also noticing them and working through them (Ex, oh, I am feeling sad right now, and when I am sad I need to take some breaths, sit down, talk to my friend, etc). When we leave our window of tolerance, we can become extremely distressed and triggered, which is what can happen when you make a mistake, or accept help, or even ask for help in the first place.
Expanding your emotional world
We expand your emotional vocabulary and reconnect what was so long ago disconnected. We work on experiencing anger, anxiety, and sadness in your body. This is so that when these emotions arise, your body is less overwhelmed and incapacitated by them. We also practice grounding skills so that you are able to offer yourself the ability to identify when something big and scary is happening and then soothe yourself. In this way, you become your own internal parent. Through this journey at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, you gain more capability, providing yourself with guidance and gradually learning that mistakes can become learning opportunities—that you are not responsible for being perfect for everyone all the time. Your body can be safe in new ways now.
Developing Your Team of Heroes
We harness your strengths and experiences of joy as resources that exist within you. These parts of you and how they are fully experienced within you matter because they can be used to develop your team that can step in when you are struggling and feeling overwhelmed. We work hard to develop this and to show that the overwhelmed parts of you that learned painful messages at a young age actually have the capacities to meet those needs as a wisdom-filled adult now.
Revisiting and Rewiring
We gradually revisit past moments of hurt and rewire those memories for safety and connection. In the presence of your trauma therapist, offering a grounded, safe space for you, you and your team of heroes/resources update and meet the unmet needs of your wounded, hurt parts. This provides reparenting and allows new messages to take hold in your body.
Find Healing with Trauma Therapy for Hyper-Independence at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy
Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW | Founder & Childhood Trauma Therapist at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, LLC
At Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy, we provide warm, trauma-informed care designed to help you restore a sense of safety, reconnect with your inner resilience, and rediscover your authentic self.
Here’s how to get started on your healing path:
Schedule your complimentary 15-minute consultation call using the link below.
Complete a brief pre-consultation questionnaire.
Connect with trauma therapist Alice Zic to talk through your concerns and goals.
Begin your healing process from childhood trauma through specialized childhood trauma therapy.
Trauma-Informed In-Person Therapy in New Orleans, LA
Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy provides in-person therapy sessions in New Orleans on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Clients throughout the Greater New Orleans area can access support for healing from childhood trauma, navigating the impact of an emotionally immature parent, or seeking anxiety therapy for adolescents. Our Mid-City New Orleans office offers a comfortable, supportive space to begin meaningful therapeutic work.
Virtual Childhood Trauma Therapy for Virginia Residents
Online therapy in Virginia offers a flexible and effective way to begin healing from childhood trauma. As a Virginia-licensed therapist, I provide virtual therapy to individuals living anywhere in the state. With a secure internet connection, a personal device, and a private setting, you can access therapy from the comfort of your own space without the hassle of commuting. Schedule a free consultation call below to take the first step.
Additional Therapy Services at Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy
In addition to childhood trauma therapy, Nurturing Willow Psychotherapy provides online counseling for teen anxiety in Connecticut, Virginia, and Louisiana, along with in-person sessions in New Orleans. Whether you are working through the effects of parentification, supporting a teen through emotional stress, or healing from childhood neglect, we offer a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for care across CT, VA, and LA.
Meet Alice Zic: Licensed Trauma Therapist in Louisiana, Connecticut, and Virginia
Alice Zic is a licensed clinical social worker based in New Orleans, Louisiana. She offers virtual therapy services to clients across Louisiana, Connecticut, and Virginia, as well as in-person sessions in New Orleans. As a trauma therapist, Alice focuses on supporting perfectionistic women, those impacted by maternal wounds, and adult children of immigrants as they heal from childhood trauma and build self-trust and confidence.
Her work is grounded in attachment-based therapy, with advanced training in Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS is an evidence-based, trauma-informed approach that helps integrate mind and body while gently addressing protective, critical, and wounded parts through a reparenting lens. To begin working together, schedule your free consultation call today.